Divorce is never easy—not for the couple, not for the kids, not for anyone. Seeking permanent separation isn’t a decision you make overnight; it’s an accumulation of a couple’s conflicts that finally leads to getting a divorce. Breaking up after having countless spousal conflicts regarding cheating, financial issues, or a lack of communication can leave you dealing with a lot of relationship trauma.

Couples experience five common emotions during a divorce which are also referred to as the five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The party initiating the divorce is more or less prepared for the proceedings. The person on the other end may end up being in the denial stage for quite a while. This could cause them to delay their response regarding the paperwork while they still process what’s happening to their marriage.

Then comes anger. During this stage, both parties blame each other for the couple’s divorce. They call each other names, make hostile decisions, become ruthless during the divorce process until they’re completely consumed with hatred. It’s important to allow yourselves time to cope with the events and not make choices purely based on anger—you only end up pouring gasoline on the blazing fire.

With everything out in the air, the initiator may have doubts about their decision and might even feel guilty for it. It’s perfectly normal for them to go back and forth thinking whether or not what they did was right. Unfortunately, this is followed by the most difficult stage—depression. It always gets worse before it gets better.

As the darkest period of the process, depression can entirely consume both parties and might even last a very long time. When falling into depression, it’s important not to push away your support system and be open to seeking help. If necessary, get a professional divorce mediator from the divorce platform Split Happy to help each other end the relationship without all the hassle. A mediator's role is to help you focus on the task at hand, splitting up, and not on the negative path that has brought you or your spouse to the decision to divorce.

If the marriage itself is messy, the divorce process can get even messier. Going through a peaceful divorce may seem like a fairytale to some—the lengthy process involves lawyers and endless paperwork until it’s finalized. However, once you’ve finally accepted that your marriage is ending, you’ve come to the final stage of grief. You become more peaceful and have hope for the future. It’s perfectly normal to revisit the former phases, but you won’t be consumed by the negative emotions. You’re finally open to change and have reclaimed power. This is the happy part of the divorce process when you look ahead and the positive things that may come out of finalizing the divorce.

This by no means suggests that divorce is unavoidable. Many of the reasons why people get a divorce end up being fixable problems. You should remain aware and address problems in your marriage during its early stages to avoid dealing with relationship trauma and seeking permanent separation and divorce as your only solutions. Most couple’s conflicts revolve around the same topics—handling money, struggling with partners' addiction(s), not spending time with each other, lack of commitment, infidelity, and many other recurring issues like these. While every marriage has its own unique set of problems, these common issues which drive people to seek divorce frequently pop up.

1. Lack of communication

Oftentimes, the reason why people have a lot of spousal conflicts is quite simple—they simply don’t communicate enough. Many couples fail to communicate with their partners constructively, therefore resulting in an early casualty. When the two of you are too wrapped up in your life, you neglect to bring up important topics that are uncomfortable but healthy to address. Every now and then you need that talk to see if you’re both on the same page. Whether it’s how you’re raising your children or each other’s mental health, these are conversations that couples must have with some frequency.

Red flags begin to emerge when you start making assumptions regarding communication. Some people avoid having talks with their partners, presuming how they’re going to react without actually conversing with them. This can easily set you up for a lot of frustration and anger towards your spouse, which in turn leads to more couple’s conflicts. The key is to not let these conversations fester for too long and most importantly, do not ambush your partner with serious talk. Plan to have these discussions at the right place and the right time.

2. Abuse

One of the biggest reasons to seek permanent separation is being subjected to abuse—mental, physical, and financial. Abuse is a valid reason for breaking up; whether it’s directed at you or other family members. Common signs of abuse are name-calling, alarming threats, constant yelling, habitual neglect, controlling with money, domestic violence, and negative displays of anger. If your partner is subjecting you to abuse, do not hesitate to inform a close friend or trusted family member and seek help.

If your spouse is going through a rough patch, their behavior may be out of character and your marriage could be repaired. During these times, it’s important to discuss what’s causing them to act so abusive—are they battling their inner demons, dealing with substance abuse, or did they lose a family member? Abuse that stems from an emotionally wounded soul can be mended.

Nevertheless, if your partner regularly abuses you and the physical violence is never-ending, staying married becomes unsafe. The easiest way to get away from your abusive partner is by filing for divorce with the help of Split Happy’s DIY tool. Not only does it simplify the divorce process and paperwork, but it also allows you to get a monthly divorce mediation service to have a neutral third party helping you get past the relationship trauma that might be preventing your divorce.

3. Financial Issues

Ever heard the phrase “Money is the root of all evil?” It just might be true. Financial issues can ruin a marriage in so many different ways. Whether it’s gambling, shopping addictions, large debts, earning more than your partner, or long-term financial goals, money has its way of causing couples conflicts. Some people may become insecure when they learn that their partner makes more money than them—this could cause an unstable person to create control issues and provoke a storm of arguments.

In some marriages, one spouse may want to save up to buy a house or a car while the other has a different approach with money—they’d rather live every day like it’s their last. Other times, the lack of money is what causes marriage problems. Unexpected financial setbacks lead to stress and tension, which in turn could hold back partners from communicating. The best thing to do is to agree beforehand on your budget and stick to the terms. Make an effort to maintain your target and manage to save up in the process. While this does not suggest that you won’t have financial issues in the future, at least you won’t be getting a divorce due to money problems.

4. Infidelity

Filing for divorce due to infidelity doesn’t require much explanation. As one of the top-cited reasons for breaking up, infidelity comprises 20-40% of the divorce rate in the United States in any given year. Extramarital affairs destroy trust, radically change your marriage, and lead to breaking up. There are many reasons why people cheat—they fall out of love, their relationship lacks intimacy, they seek validation from other people. Extramarital affairs may feel like a new and exciting experience when your marriage has become pretty predictable and routine. However, when all is said and done, the time will come when infidelity catches up with you.

Once a spouse admits to being a cheater, they’ll most likely be carrying a fair amount of guilt. The trust is gone, there’s no more reliance, there will always be questions whether or not their partner is being truthful. Surprisingly, many couples work things through and choose to remain married. In any case, this doesn’t mean you should cheat on your partner assuming they’ll forgive you.

5. Addiction

Addiction comes in various forms—alcohol, drugs, gambling, spending, work, food, and more. Any type of addiction or substance abuse can threaten the survival of a marriage. Most of the time when a spouse has an addiction, it causes them to lie and betray their partner in order to indulge in their negative habits. Not only does addiction cause a marriage to fall apart, but it can also take control of the addict’s life, put them in danger, as well as lead to breaking up.

Luckily, all types of addictions can be addressed and treated. If the person is committed enough to improve their lifestyle and relationship, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Certain cases of addiction require the person to be separated from their partner and family to completely focus on recovery. Nonetheless, each situation is unique and requires different approaches to make progress.

6. Incompatibility

Sometimes, the inevitable just happens—especially if you got married at an early stage. Sure, you were in love and decided to waste no time and get married as soon as possible, but people change in time and grow to become different people with different perspectives. With more spousal conflicts arising along the way, the couple realize their decision to get married wasn’t right. People aren’t as aware of their expectations of a partner when they’re young, so they embark on separate personal journeys and come to realize they didn’t marry the right one.

To paint a better picture, imagine you and your partner have different religious views and they want you to convert. Or picture this: you got a promotion in another country but your partner doesn’t want to leave your current location. Different goals and aspirations that pop up along the way can prove that you weren’t ready to get married—the couple’s divorce in these cases comes as no surprise.

In conclusion, there are no fixed problems that automatically cause a couple to get a divorce. Every relationship is unique and every couple conflict has different circumstances. The main reasons why couples divorce includes not communicating enough, cheating on each other, having financial issues, abusing their partner, struggling with an addiction, and being unsuited for each other. However, if you find red flags early on in your relationship, you can choose to either work through the problems or get a permanent separation. Marriage, divorce, and remarriage are completely possible even when you’re dealing with relationship trauma. Upon deciding to end your marriage, consider hiring a divorce mediator from Split Happy to arrive at a mutual agreement regarding your future.

Last updated on Feb 1, 2021 by Split Happy